“life will be better in spring”

April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011

friday.
took a trip to sts..
didnt know what to do when i stepped in..
at least found out that practices are at night(7pm).
went home and out again, to cityhall then bugis.

hais.. i know i am disappointing..
but. hais.
my source of motivation isnt money anymore.
...
i wonder if that is a good or bad thing.
was reminded of ahgong every single day.
i don't know why. -.-
hais. but i'm so ... disappointing.
i dont know how to link that two tgt.
cos i'm emotionally retarded. -.-
WL. i always thought he would be standing somewhere near me every day.
sry but i'm mad. -.-
and so i tried to watch how to behave when i thought of that.
BUT. it's useless! :{
dont bao you me.
haha.
not worth it.
WL. see. know what i meant?!
i'm always thinking of these things..!
but he used to be my source of motivation..
so now, haha, i'm not studying hard. -.-
so i got bullshit results.
last time, just one sentence, which was just 4-7 words long, i would study until i sweat and feel very uncomfortable.
BUT. now, i'm like so damn relaxed.. -.-
so disgusting. i hate myself.
STUDY. cos o lvls are approaching.

WL. i failed ENGLISH.
D7.
WLWLWL. -.-
though tcher rounded off the marks to a C6.
combined humanities- C6.
geog- still in TK's class.
hais.
sometimes she's not that bad la.
BETTER THAN those B******.
haha. i meant those whom i dont regard as tchers.
they're worst than any gangsters out there.
wth's wrong with BSS?!
they said they will snip off students' fringes that touch their eyebrows.
lucky 5 more months to survive in that place only..
despite saying, "not with force, but with skill", the school's still doing those kind of things.
saying those "big big" words when they're forcing ppl to have their hair cut properly by suspending them and snipping fringes off themselves.
that's why someimtes SAYING is always DIFFERENT from DOING.
FRUSTRATED.
I HATE SCHOOL.
I HATE FACING IT.
but some of my classmates are really funny.
haha.

random:
i have this new desire and goal for my life..
i dunno why.
and its funny for me to want it.
cos i used to see it as something so so so damn impossible and unimportant.
can even say i used to despise it.
and yeah, it sounds simple, but it isnt, to me at least.
i want it but i dont think i can achieve it.
and though i see it as goal or sth, i know it wont last. haha.
well, furthurmore, this can't be strived for, it just depends on god r whatever fate or destiny you call it.
haha. weird uh.

hais. so tired. but i cant seem to sleep. -.-

tch. that bro. -.-
so violent.
made me so emo.

my feet are pain.
wth.

today there was this Direct Poly Admission talk and Schlorship thing..
-.-
paid no attention to it.
haha. cos its most of it was about Nanyang poly's IT courses.

okay.. now i have the feeling to close my eyes and sleep alr..




when is my ultimate breakdown?





it probably would not happen.
hahaha.

so damn emo suddenly...

i hate school. i really do.
it's not because of how busy i will get.
it's the people there.
most of them there. so disgusting.
teachers. students.
and i hate it when ppl accuse me wrongly and when ppl comment on me when they dont know anything abt me.
that kind of feeling can be so wth to me.






right. now i'm happy! :D

random.
actually, up till now, i still don't know whether what i did those days are right.
but i only know that it will be the last thing i will do.
hais..
i hoped and hoped he'll ask me to work hard in my dreams.
but nth happened.
fine. i'm a disappointment alr.
i'm so damn curious about his past.
i want to know everything.
i dont want to only know bits and pieces of it.
i want to take a look at that place..
cos i have no memories of it.

wushu, taekwando or judo?!
after hearing from jingyun that they have to do splits during wushu, i'm quite afraid of learning it alr..
but well, nth on earth is easy.

wl. i will be very honest with matters regarding to my results.
i dont care if the tcher calculated more marks for me or what.
have to be HONEST.
it is the only thing left i can be proud of.

hais. the past few months seem like a dream to me..
even now..
up till now then did i realise that i've came across someone whom i respected a lot.
haha.

its weird. i'm really getting very curious abt that place.
i thought i did not set my foot in there before.

after all the years, i've learnt one thing:
nvr nvr nvr avoid unhappiness else you'll regret it and things will end up being very messy.
and, i will not not not not tolerate anymore cos i want to have the gu qi.
i will give my comments like what you do everytime.

plus, one more thing.
pls stop telling me kim beom is the most handsome among F4 plssssssssssssssssssssssss.
everybody have different taste la plllllllllllllllllssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
have the nerve to ask me if i still insist on saying that kim hyun joong is the most handsome.
i've nvr ever ever ever ever ever said those kind of thing beforeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
i only said he's handsome. not most handsome among all.
plssssssssssssssss laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. stop saying kim beom's the most handsome in that sarcastic manner in front of me..................................
PUH-LEEEEE-SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

hais.
but which one is meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
sometimes i thought: "i shld not stop being nice even if its tough."
but again i thought: "i wont be like some idiot who doesnt even speak out her mind."
now, tell me what i am..















hmms. i dont really have much to say today.
cos i'm not very emo today. haha.
but just now when i reached home, i suddenly rmb this dream i had.
either ytd or today. (cant rmb when cos i slept twice after waking up in the morning.)
i dreamt of myself being blahblahblah1.
then i was worried abt the health of blahblahblah2, but not myself. -.-
i dont want to say the two blahblahblahs. cos it's weird and yeah, embarassing. -.-

wl. lee jun ki.
wth. he's so different from the last time now.

i feel so guilt-stricken today.
i feel so fearless, so courageous today.
i feel so depressed all of a sudden.
i feel so happy, laughing like an idiot today.
hahahaha.

hais..
other than sighing..
i dont know what to say alr.
everything is in a mess.
school, people, myself, character, results, attitudes, CCA. EVERYTHING.
messed up.
punch the walls, punch the floor.
argh.
i wonder when i can cry normally.
hahahaha. its not a bad thing y'know.
ever since i overcame that few days, i realised i could not do that normally again.
weird. or maybe i'm not that sad.
i don't know. -.-

i'm happy.
i'm sad.
i'm guilty.
i'm crazy.
i'm giving up.
i'm not having good attitudes.

i'm happy that i went out ytd and skipped choir.
talked about lots of things. and finally its with ppl who talks with interesting contents.
its really cool. i don't mind letting them know. haha.
saw nice clothes! but no $$. zzz.
THANKS ADELINE AND YUHUI FOR THE TREAT.
eat until SUPERRRR full. lol. but nice day.
didnt have to think about studies all those.
no stress.
and today he said sth which made me go 'hahaha'.
though that time he's hostile, but hahaha.
stupid, even such little things made me happy.
yeah. cos there was 'acknowledgement'.
i guess i really want an elder brother. -.-

i'm sad. i became unhappier and unhappier tgt with ppl who're not sensitive.
cos i know i am TOO sensitive. too over.
but. yeah. sometimes the things she said were too, i couldn't really think of those stuffs in a good way..
went sakae eat, she said she felt that she's rounder after that dinner.
ppl gave her titbits or maybe snacks or what chocolates as present, and when ppl said, 'it's the thought that counts,' she said, 'how can i eat them when they're melted.' like wth?
ppl gave her presents, she wanted to give it to others.
she kept saying there're alot alot of things to take.
those were her presents. i didn't even have that much.
not even ppl who knew my bdae wished me can.
i'm not trying to be bhb here or want ppl to wish me or what.
i just wished that she would appreciate those things which she has but i don't can.
i am not fit to say these. but i felt really unhappy after all these.

i'm guilty. i dont feel like performing.
i lied for ytd. yet she believed me.
-.-

i'm giving bad attitudes.
cos.. why?
and someone said i have the wrong mentality.
of course. my whole existence is a mistake.
i cant help thinking like this.

if i have the blood which makes me work hard,
i have another type which can make me ruin myself too.
hahaha. get it?

i wanna like someone now ehhhhhhhhh.
hahaha. random right.
but i dont wanna do it for the sake of doing it.
hehhehhehs. -.-

i wanna go clarke quay!
okay. lame. -.-
but i like the atmosphere there.

i'm going to xxx alone in the dark alr.
hahaha. otherwise i wont be able to stand it in school..
i nearly did that today.
and if nobody is able stop me from doing anything that i'm doing presently..
hahaha. i think i'll probably continue with it.
nah. kidding. hahahaha.
i dont understand myself.
the more i know about myself, the more i dont understand about myself.
hahaha. seee. i know what that means. really. -.-
but. its nice knowing someone who has almost the exact opinions or thoughts as you.

End.

after all these..
i can't face him.
but i'm still reminded of him every single day.

hais.. feel so bad not saying the truth.
i'm really ruining myself. but whenever there's time like when on the bus, i'll be reminded of him..
not the person i like uh. anw i wont ever like a person again i think. cos i'm too protective of myself and i will keep denying it. haha. off track alr.
back to the topic. he used to call me a honest person and i was always proud of it.
but now, i'm not saying that i will change the small decision of skipping tmr's choir..
but.. y'know. it isnt even about responsibility that i cared about now.
but it is this guilty thing again..
i already felt guilty, but did nothing to it, when i did not study for mid-year when i sweared in my heart that i will.
since motivation is gone, everything is gone, my spirits to work hard are gone, that idiot(me) is gone.
i couldnt care that much alr.
nearly cried when i'm on the bus.
F. i can't cry normally cos i need to hold the tears back.
i can't gossip like i used to cos i thought it was childish.
i can't like and trust properly cos i know there will be undesired consequences.
i just wanna return to normal. the normal which i alr dont know.
what the hell am i..?

i feel like turning bad. or maybe i want to.
i haven't been studying.
i kept wanting to go out, till late.
i didn't want to face my books.
hais. all of these happened at this point of time..
O lvl is approaching.
i hope i will do some work during the june holidays to catch up with school work.
really really hate this kind of life. boringggg.

anw. I'M SUPERRRRRRRRR FULL!
so the WHOLE PLAN was successfully being kept from her.
nice one. though it's bad lying.
those guys are gd lo.
wait until ppl go home then they leave. haha.
although they're SUPERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR good at teasing others.
funny ppl. laughed a bit even when the girls and guys sat in different tables.

Fullmetal Alchemist:
The Theory Of Equivalent Trade.

i will need to give, if i want to get.

random:
was thinking about what my mother told me last time when she came back from malaysia.
there's this person who asked her sth like why didnt i go malaysia or sth like that.
nvm. main point here is.. i'm actually being rmbed y'know.
lol.

HAIS.
i really dont know who the hell i am.
what the hell i want.
and what the hell i am thinking.

have been thinking what is it that i really want for like more than a year?
and i still dont have a definite answer yet..
i'm waiting for this life to change.

had a dream last night..
hais.. at first he still looked healthy, walking..
then suddely, the next moment, he face turned pale.. ailing..
so shocked.. woke up and i thought about it..
is it time for me to be serious again?..
or maybe the dream was to remind me of the promise i made months before?..
arghh. i dont know.
i only know that i can destroy myself, my results, everything whenever i want to.
that idiot who wanted to do well should return now.
the one who worried a lot and didnt want to back out before trying.

its so hard to understand me. -.-
or maybe its because i cant accept myself.
HAIS.
its not just about results.. its LIFE, character, almost everything! behaviour!
fine, i just hate myself.
feels so guilty, but i'm not doing anything.
i'm not stressed. i dont even know what stress is.
how does it feels like?

hais.
i don't want to see those stupid results, especially english, social studies and chinese.
sure SUCK.
so depressed now.

HAIS.
what a day. -.-
i don't know who i can trust.
but i seriously need to talk to someone.
and it seems that i told her a lot a lot.
i dont know if she'll say it out.
but i guess i dont care alr.
she said i can talk to her when there's any unhappiness.
yeah. and i realised THOSE ppl were so GOOD.
nice ppl. even though, there's one whom i thought he has changed ever since ...
she told some things which i didnt know.
maybe she's a nice person too?
i still can't trust ppl properly..
must be used to it because of things happening around.
no, i'm just a coward who cant accept facts.
I'M LOUSY.
why did they even say i'm good.
i feel like i'm backstabber.
i'm back to good again.
not very nice, but not the vicious person.
i can't act anymore!!!!!!!!!!
i'm sorry i know i'm being very bad.
but i still know good sides of everyone and the times when we laughed!
so yeah. but sometimes its about behaviour.
i'll try to think of the good and not the bad!
wth. why am i talking like this.

i feel so disgusted.
i hate myself.
i wann neglect my health.
waahaha.
i'm not sadistic.
i just hate myself, a lot.

BULLSHIT.
sry. but i really feel like saying this word today.
exams are almost over.
zzz. i dont mind if i tried hard but still received poor reults.
the thing i hated is me not doing my best.
hais.
random again.

every afternoon when i took a nap, i'll wake up thinking of the papers i took in the morning. LOL.
so funny.
hate myself.

how the hell many times must i experience conflicting thoughts?
i change this moment,
then another moment.
yeah what the hell's wrong?
surely not multiple personality.
that's too extreme.
but i don't know why!
that's why i can't control my mind.
-.-

hais. WTH. when will this kind of life change?!
when?! can i have more EXCITING AND FUN LIFE?!
wth. cant stand all these boredom alr.
so disgusting.
its like everyday is repeating itself.
like the sun sets, the sun rises; the moon appears, and then disappears.
i walk on the paths to school, then i walk the other paths back home.
zzz.
this kind of life, boringggggggggg.
zzz.

oh yeah.
went out for dinner and reached home at 10pm.
1st time. without adults. lol.
SUBWAYYYY. i your fan now. hahaha.
then we went u.d.d.e.r.s to have dessert.
woah. eat until wanna puke.
Amaretto Black + Snickers Mars thingy ice cream.
double scoop.
woah..
Almond liqeur plus black coffee..
so bitterrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. can taste the sweetness of snickers mars.

i'm not doing anything but using com again....
HAIS.

HAHAHA,
i've anticipated the two reactions i will have:
1. smile. at the poor results.
2. look sad. cos i shld have done better.

i dunno i zi bao zi qi for what know.
lol. nvm. dont study, cant achieve my targets. C:
who cares.
haha.
what's wrong with me?
i dont know about it too.

hais. kept thinking abt him.
that very important and motivating person.
haha.
feel so ashamed of myself.

wth.
kinda upset today.
walao.
did i really climb that high such that i can't accept failures?
are my results that good?!
why no one believes that i can fail and get average or even poor results?
am i that good that i seem to you all that i can maintain my results?
wth.
but nevertheless, tests are tests, exams are exams.
i know well that my tests' results will be far better exams.
and even if i can get a B or sth for my exams, my targets are not reached yet can.
its not easy to maintain good results okay.
wl. furthurmore, i'm so damn average.
everyone fear about exams, like i'm not, as if i won't.
whenever i received the results, its either i feel bad or 'half good half bad'.
never felt totally good about them before.
that was why i've never said that my results were good whenever asked.
i feel very bad when i fail or got a C.
and for the 'half good half bad'?
if there aren't Cs, i will feel good upon receiving the results, but i felt that i should be better, that was why i felt bad.
fine.
why am i talking about all these.
i was just upset that you said those in very ... manner.
like almost raising voice like that.
when will they realise that i can do badly too.
must i really fail all those papers, then they will?
i just want praise that's meant as encouragement, not sarcasm.
of course i want to be impressive.
but in fact, i'm not.

okay. shut up.
these were meant no none of the readers anw,
i just need to 'vomit' everything out.

its EMO time can.
i feel like going EMO these few days.
i wanna watch some SAD and DEPRESSING love story.
like clannad after story.
haha.
fine. maybe i've lost 50% of my mind alr.
-.-




walao. talk to her can die one sia.
-.-

and i love this two weeks, besides the exams.
cos can go home right after papers end.
so there's no need to stay in school for long periods.
cos i hate school.
childish right. 16 yrs old still hates school. -.-
disgusting.
but i rather stay at home to sleep instead of going school. -.-
feels so denied there.
almost every thing i said were opposed.
okay, not opposed.
but ppl would say things like, "not true".
it was like every opinions and advice gave were some crap or rubbish you can find in the bins.
i don't need them to be true, i just need them to be heard/ recognised as an opinion of mine can?
so now i'm trying to talk less.
and less and less.
ppl can say i'm behaving like i am autistic or what trying to be chen mo mo.
like wth.
i rather not talk if things are like this.
WTF.
fine. i'm petty, can?
zzz.
i dont know wth went wrong so SUDDENLY y'know.
how come a person can change his/her behaviour so abruptly.
and its weird. it's because i think that he/she didnt realise it then i keep quiet about it.
but of course showing a bit of unhappiness and changed the way i behave too.
wth. what am i doing here.
fine. shut up alr.

wth.
i'm starting to emo again.
zzz.
this will never stop.
it will nvr nvr stop unless i stop studying.
crap.
stupid, i can't control wat my mind is thinking and what it wants.

wth.
isn't there anything more fun and exciting than this kind of life?!

okay. i'm here to say this:

Thanks-
Adeline Agnes Amanda ChihTing Daniel Emily Estee Germaine HueiMin James JiaLiJieJie Kelvin LiYing LuYi Magdalene Melissa Nicholas ShiMin Vanathy Vanessa Vincent WanLin XiaoDiGorGor XiaoZhen YenChu YiChan YiJing YuHui ZhiWei ZiYun

thanks for the wishing, the presents and the double/triple wishings.
lol.

oh yeah.
i forgot to mention one thing.
Kim Hyun Joong's so cooooool when he raised his voice and gu jun pyo.
LOL.
okay. lame, i know.
BUT,
ITS TRUE!

blahhs. bad memories are always 'floating' in my mind suddenly.
-.-
had tuition this morning.
i have not revised anything for physics yet.
so i was quite annoyed and nearly gave up doing the tys.
then i kept saying i don't know how to do. -.-
i think he'll get even more irritated one day.
-.-
zzz.

regretted eating so much for dinner..
hais.

okay. i'll blog abt the bdae thing ltr.
if there's time.
but now, i'm just going to quote a few meaningful sentences from the lyrics of CLOSER by inuoe joe..

"You know the closer you get to something, The tougher it is to see it"

"Explain to me this happiness That you just got to experience. Or maybe you're so blessed that You can't even remember it all."

"Even though there are those Who call the act of mercy hypocrisy, Because there are both: People who believe and people who doubt."

"It's fine to say "Never give up" And "Keep on chasing your dreams". But the more time you spend talking big, The less you get done with life."

now it's from ANNA NI ISSHO DATTA NO NI by See-saw..

"Even though we were so close together, We can't even get a word across between our increasing distances. Please, give us a quiet sleep under the moon light, if it is the last thing possible."

okay, maybe it's lame.
but, i love looking at lyrics of songs from animes.
laa. random.

wth.
when will i ever change.
plunging into this hole myself and i am unable to get out now.
okay, i'm not even trying i think.
feels weird. sometimes i try to encourage myself, then another moment i can get so negative.
so 'wth'..
multiple ways of thinking i have..

I HOPE I CAN PASS SS.
I HOPE THERE WILL BE AN A FOR EMATHS.

wth.. why am i the only one studying and working until like shit.?!
wl. why she everytime come back no need study one.
F.

wl. starting to dislike studying..
what's the point of studying so much when ........ and when i don't get anything at all.
F. no rewards, no nothing.
do so much just to gain a phrase of praise.
fine. i'm complaining right now.
i don't feel like studying for tmr's papers, tmr's tmr's papers, and tmr's tmr's tmr's papers.

-.-

wl... FFFF-X-X-X.
why is my emaths paper like that?!
how come i left 12 marks of sbq Qs totally blank!
FFF know!
i'm aiming for an A for emaths!!!!!!
and last time my sbq Qs were around 16-18 out of 25 one!!!!!!
WTF?!
i know i should be getting over the two papers alr.
BUT, i just can't!
just now i took a nap.
and then i had several dreams.
one of it was about my emaths paper.
FFF!!
then i woke up feeling so damn MISERABLE!!!
ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

GREAT. WONDERFUL. FANTASTIC.
just fought two wars.
the one with Social Studies, i lost, totally.
*white flag*
the one with Emaths..
fought halfway, but i see no vision of myself getting victory. -.-
because by now, half of my army were lost and i have lost all of the 55% of confidence already..
-.-

ARGHHH. INTENSIVE PRACTICING OF MATHS QUESTIONS IN JUNE ALREADY!!!
okay, i'm going to do this...
let my maths, be it A or E, drop drop and drop for MYE.
and then hopefully, i will try to 'stand up' again during the holidays. -.-

hais.. the worst thing is not the mistakes or careless mistakes made when doing maths know!!!
it's even worse when i can't or don't learn from the mistakes!!
hope i can learn from this time's papers..

TRY TRY TRY.
okay, i AM slacking.
but that doesn't mean i don't study, not even a bit.

~ Not being able to achieve what i want, does not mean that i stop trying to get it. ~

okay.
somehow, i don't feel that desperate alr..
but i am still slacking.
HAIS.

so afraid of amaths, chemistry, ss, geography, physics and english papers.
okay, honestly, i wanted to list all. -.-

alright, i need a psychiatrist.
i can't deal with myself anymore.
to the extend where i don't even want to study alr.
i'm not this emo in school.
but sometimes when i'm alone on the way home, i can suddenly just break down on the bus.

i'm going crazy./

know what, i'm a jinx.
those were the numbers i used to like..




i don't know what i'm doing..
suddenly i feel this, suddenly i feel that.
i'm so afraid that one day i can't control myself anymore.
a day when i am angry, i will just tell someone off;
a day when i am sad, i will just stop doing everything and tear.
this is stupid.