“life will be better in spring”

April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011

hell, what's wrong with those people?
wl. people cry, i never, then people win.
i didn't expect her to do this kind of things, not up till yesterday.
for the past long months, i struggled with myself.
at then, i hated everyone (excluding a few).
i realised i wasn't able to trust anyone.
so i tried to changed myself.
but when i trusted in those people, this is what i .... wth. fine.
now i see who they really are. [:

3 more months.

manzzz~
nearly c***d in class today.
not because of those ***es.
but because of.. i was thinking about the past.
i dug out the memories, which i am very afraid that i will lose.
and then. my gosh.
i suddenly felt how much i'm adored, right?
please, let it be a yes.
cos i was super emotional about it when i felt it strongly in class.

thatnightifinallydidit.
icriedmyheartout.
in the dark though.
haven't done that for so long.
makes me feel better.
and it's sick that i actually thought of those words when i c***d that night.
hell. i'll forget everything * said.
and then continue admiring the other *.
lol. !@#$%^&*()_+

hahaha.
i won't lose the last trust i have.
i will believe in it.
and only up till just now then did i believe that * cannot be relied upon.
but the other * made me look up to him even more lazzzz.
helikeshersomuch,somuch. ):
so much that, i admire him even more too.
my gosh.
i'm babbling.
my gosh, my gosh.

i won't blame anyone of the two.
but just blame the rest a bit.
neither will i blame those who took side.
i.. will only feel. hurt.
serious.
but well, there're still people there for me, right?

maybe it's not even worth it to be disappointed.
maybe it's not even worth it that i once regarded them as kind souls, as friends.
maybe it's not even worth it to them hear what i think.

MAYBEs.
i'm having headache now.

i'm getting more pissed instead of disappointed.

why did i go soft on them.

i know i can be harsh.
but i don't know whether i should do so or not.
what the hell?

how can he ask me about it?
that idiot.
even if i told him, would those people understand?
will he know how i feel.?
i do and i will feel bad.
i know part of it is my fault.
my fault for not voicing out my thoughts,
just bcos i didnt dare to.

that idiot just made me feel.. hurt.
fine. nvm.

read jialijiejie's blog.
i feel worse.
but, i constantly remind myself of having a firm stand.

i've never been like this before..
though i know there're people there.
but i thought i rather/ can even choose to stay alone then not leaving.

i.. maybe the vicious self should come back.
but..
i..

fine. i'm disappointed.
i alr placed the last trust i have on someone among them,
if he's going to take side,
i'll lose the last trust i'm left with (towards them).

speak, only after thinking.

they better not bullshit me.

cos i don't feel like listening to craps.

i hate everyone in this house.
the one who always has mood swings.
the one who doesn't even understand and kept reprimanding.
the one who doesn't even care about a single thing at home.
i'm hating again.

cannot alr.
need to hide in the darkness alr.

i should.. continue fighting it.
since i've started trying already..
shouldn't give up now.
furthurmore, i may be weeping, but that doesn't mean that i'll never stop weeping, nor does it mean that i do it forever.
i'll just be a bit more kiddish tonight, later.

i hate this.
was still quite fine yesterday.
i don't feel like doing homework alr.
i want to go into the dark and weep.

there'sremedy.
butiwon'tgetit.

i'm sad now.
very.
i feel like the old self is coming back.
i don't know if i should resist it.
because i have a thought that i should live in sadness,
cos i don't deserve happiness.. laughters..
being very fragile now,
any words can make me tear.
i just realised some things.
things i don't really like.
i don't know.
suddenly the sadness just came to me.
maybe i shall stop waiting.
maybe i deserve to be alone.
maybe i should start acting strong again.
maybe i should not talk in school anymore.
maybe i should go into depression.
i need to cry.
i need .....
but i won't get it.
cos i'm not worth of it.

i love the iljimae played by lee jun ki!!!
for on simple reason....
I JUST LOVE HIM.

i, cannot watch that show.
i will become the old self.
but still, i admire him when he hid his true motives and character, and played the hero who helped the commoners when the made everyone think he's not someone that wei3 da4 in daylight.

i feel so... unhappy now.
fine. i'll be okay soon.
it's not because of that, but the other that.
why him. ...
it's still not late to turn back.
but.
crap.
nvm. nothing.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

fine fine. i'm trying i'm trying!
i'm trying to be brave ad go learn taekwando or drums!
-.-

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

yeah.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

unpredictable. i don't even know what i myself can, will do.

played badminton today.
right hand aching a bit again.
haha.
holidays are ending..
no more badminton.
...

my heart races almost everyday.
makes me feel so uneasy.
but, i'm happy that it's so.
[:
ithink,there'sthissomeone,
butiamsoafraidofhim.
-.-

bought a bottle of beer at ikea.
wl.
super bitterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
i've drank more beer than wine or cocktails or whatever.
-.-
maybe i'll have a headache tmr. haha.
throat burning a bit alr.


there's a reason that i have- for seeming/being fragile.
i want to wait.
i don't want to lose this kind of feeling anymore.
cos it sucks.

i. love. this. june. holiday.
:]

it's back bit by bit.
i guess so.
:]

i still have ALOT of hw left!!!!
it's always like this.
haha.
from primary school till now. o levels!!
my gosh.
i'm not prepared for english, physics, geography, social studies yet!!
O. M. G.!!!!

today:
not bad, quite happy + a bit ...

am i looking forward to school or what?
i feel like my heart is racing.
it's been like this from morning till now.
wth?
making me feel so uneasy.

haha.
i forgot to mention one thing.
ytd, on the way from johor to singapore custom, i fantasized sth and it lasted for 10mins or so.
was dreaming what if i saw lee jun ki one day at some airport.
i would drag someone and go over to ask for his signature or maybe lend the camera from that person and ask jun ki-shi for a photo.
but now when i think of it, will i even dare to do that.
lol. but if there's really a day like that, it would a shame not to ask for at least a signature.
hehhehheh.

my deity la.
i love this actor so muchhhhhh.
he's so not him when i see those photos.
his character and those characters in the acts were different i guess.
think he mentioned this during one of the interviews too.

watched absolute boyfriend on friday night till late.
i want to eat beard papa cream puff now.
wth.. i'm considering whether i should make a trip to just buy a cream puff home..
but i still have physics hw to do. ):

saturday woke up early and set off to malaysia.
went somewhere near desaru to eat lobster instead of going to malacca.
was listening to dear ipod's songs the whole day.
tried to sleep on car for several times.
succeeded once.
was holding my bladder, trying to not pee before reaching destination.
so tough y'know!
i drank 2 coconuts plus 1 glass of coffee for breakfast and lunch without going to the loo.
i beared with it for like 1h 15 mins. then i couldn't tolerate already, so i asked whether we're reaching or not.
was told reaching alr.
but they were going to kota tinggi's waterfall!!! the thing is, before going in, and after knowing we have to pay, they decided not to look at waterfall alr!!!!
there goes my toilet.
so i really cannot hold it anymore, so we ended up stopping at Esso.
wth. before pee-ing i had a really foul mood.
furthurmore, the roads were so... rocky. bumpy. bent. whatever.
i had to sit really still. -.-
k, enough of that.

went to Jusco.
wl. i bought nothing!
except for 2 pandan kaya dorayaki.
wth..

dined in at Pekin Restaurant.
not bad.

came back to singapore.
then took cab from ang mo kio to whampoa.
wth..
i was trying to not grin/smile like an idiot to myself for the WHOLE journey.
but i still did so back at home when i was alone in the living room. -.-
very stupid, i know.

then while doing hw, i was watching tv.
it was showing about a trip to japan.
at first there were a lot of dolls, which looked scary to me, but because the celebrities said japanese think that dolls can get rid of evil spirits, grant good health and all so, i tried calming down.
BUT! when the two celebrities went into a storeroom, filled with dolls, which a japanese said they
have strong ling2 xing4, i started panicking.
however, because i wanted to do the tuition hw, i continued staying alone in the living room.
THEN! the person introduced 2 dolls, which hair have grown over the years, i got even more scared alr. they even sent the hair to some company to examine it. i forgot what was the reason behind the growth of the doll's hair. still, i tried to persist doing my hw.
FINALLY! the show said that there was a pair of dolls(twins). when one of the dolls were sent to that place because its owner think that it was possessed by a soul, a lot of reporters went to interview more about the particular doll. then this doll appeared on the tv. after that, when an audience was watching the show, he heard the doll beside him say that she wants to go to the place where the other doll was sent to as well..... so now, the two dolls are together in the storeroom. and... they look alike.
after this, i tried to calm down a bit and muster up all the courage left to put away my work quickly and dashed into bedroom.
didn't even off the the tv and fan, nor the lights.
-.-

vanilla cream puffs........

how great would it be if i'm a prophet..
hahaha.
dream on, i know.

i'm a goner alr.
i haven't finish tuition hw yet.
and i'm going to malaysia tmr.
i have not finished physics hw yet.
and i'm supposed to pass it up next week.

lemme talk about my dreams...

here are the ones which made me feel that they're really special..
like they will happen one day..

dream 1: those departmental (i don't know how to spell. T.T) stores.. one with the very huge CDs, VCDs, DVDs shop, and the one which looked really old and scary, and the one that renovated into a really beautiful and vibrant shopping centre.

dream 2: theme park. i've dreamt of this same theme park for 2/3 times.
there's a really scary haunted house there. cos ppl wearing the terrifying costumes will be roaming outside the haunted house.

dream 3: 2 even greater theme parks. one on highland, one water theme park.

dream 4: a science centre. kinda dark and scary in there.

that's all i can remember.
and there's one really weird dream i have. -.-
must have thought too much in the day. haha.

i feel all so tired and.. emo all so suddenly.
.
.
.
.
.
.
nvm. i've promised to be happier no matter what it takes..
no more turning back, no more looking back, please
i'm begging myself now. --
stupid barrier.
so hard to break through.

i'm confused.
but i won't give up.
at least i won't try to avoid.

going malaysia tmr.
sians.
no one to talk to.. ):

going back to school in just 2 more days.
and plus one more week for school to re-open.

ppl are chionging,
and i'm giving up.
-.-

i. feel. so. lazy. tired.
no. e.n.e.r.g.y.

at least..
i laughed today,
from the bottom of my heart.
so,
not bad.

haha. it's super junior's 'it's you' mv.

not jun ki. )):

i've been in a really bad mood from monday night till now.
ppl can say me of the things i did,
but they can never accuse me of what i have not done or, sometimes, did unintentionally.
i already have no idea who i am anymore,
don't offend me like that.
because i don't know what i will do next, and what i will think of.

hahaha. sounds like one-year-ago me.

forget it.
i have my ipod.

anw, SS501 is really coming to singapore.
hais.

as mentioned before, caught Drag me to hell with yh, kelvin, nick.
reached cineleisure and 3 of us sat there chatting.
o. m. g.
so many scary movies coming up.
anw, those people sitting behind us were screaming when the movie was screened.
wth? i got a shock when those ppl first screamed. --
but the embarassing thing was, i really 'xia yi tiao' for two more times.
as in i really did jerk when there's a sudden appearance of ... the old lady.
scared ah scared.

after this, we went around.
around as in we took bus to suntec city, walked around, then crossed over the bridge to marina square.
k did something embarassing there. --
then we took bus to bugis junction.
dined in at V8..
chat chat chat. hais..
walked to bugis street, then back to junction, then street, then junction, then to street again cos i have to take bus home from there.
hais..
not bad a day i would say..
besides the scolding and well, i couldn't sleep last night. --

thought quite a lot from ytd till this morning.
and i'm confused now.
HOW?
i don't want to give up now. at least not yet.
but i don't know what to do..

oh well, i love this june holiday still.
[:

LEE JUN KI!!!!

omg.
i've found another interesting course in SP!
CHEMICAL PROCESS ENGINEERING! (i think.)
nice.
wahahaha.!

have i dream of that before?..
it looks.. familiar..





















J STYLE english lyrics.

Don’t look so surprised, you promised!
I Wanna give u the best service tonight
Whatever you want, I want to give it all to you
I Wanna Satisfy your senses all night

You’re my V.I.P, always hold me, oh
I’m your T.O.P, giving only my best, yeah

A new temptation, irresistible charm
Nothing left out, I’ll show you everything
Come come come to me tonight

* Come closer, I’m ready to go in
Let me in You want me?
Invite me It'so simple (baby)
Touch me, I will take you to another Fantasy world
You want me?
Come on Touch me Come on Welcome to J Style

Leave your reaction for afterwards
U Know the best is yet to come but tonight
Heat it up as much as you can, starting up
Set up your sexy dance right now

You are my V.I.P, dizzying energy, oh
I’m your T.O.P, dizzying synergy, yeah
Raise your expectations, sell your soul, you'll be impressed
You, breathlessly, you'll exceed the limit
Dance Dance Dance on me tonight

* REPEAT

Do not satisfy your thirst, everything will burn
You are my V.I.P
Close you eyes that have flown open
Get ready for the next stage
Come closer, I’m ready to go in
Let me in You want me?
Invite me It's so simple (baby)

Touch me, I will take you to another Fantasy world
You want me?
Come on Touch me Come on Welcome to J Style



from - http://miroticdbsk.blogspot.com/2009/04/lee-jun-ki-j-style-translated-lyrics.html

omg.
he's my idol man.
he left Busan with only $300 at hand and when he was 20 years old.
'Lee Jun Ki’s motto is “There is nothing in this world that won’t work. It’s just that I’m lazy”. '
got this from the net..
'While doing the drama, if I get hurt, the drama becomes a success. This has been my jinx. During ‘Iljimae’, my right hand ripped. My body’s big and small scars are like merits.'
:{{{{{
the other actors didn't understand why he have to sing and dance.
wth? they're bad. ._.
actually, i can be his drinking friend or gf also can!! (he's only 11 yrs older than me. )
i mean if he's willing to.
LOL. i'm not sick okay.
i just admire him alot. :
but, like i said before (i think), internet says he likes older woman?
BLAHBLAHBLAHHH.
woahwoahwoah.
i'm dead.
i'm getting all attracted to him again.
omgomgomg.
as in really really like him alot alot alot those kind.
SO JEALOUS of those fans who communicated with him.
SO JEALOUS of those who could tag in his homepage and get a returned reply.
SO JEALOUS. i wanna understand him.
k, sorry, i couldn't control myself. --

know what?
i'm visiting www.google.co.kr just to find lee jun ki's mini homepage
why aren't i a korean?
why isn't he a singaporean?
sicksicksick.
k, once again, sorry, i know it sounds disgusting.

WTH! so suave can. lol.

OMG. this one... FUNNY. cute. haha!

omg. i feel so emo whenever i'm at home.
but, there're still things that made me emo outside. -.-

i'm so attracted to lee jun ki. :(
but he's 27 years old alr.
i don't care. hahahaha.
but he likes older woman?
-.-
:( :( :( :( :( :(

i know what to do alr.
stop seeking, cast aside the confusion, and then..
either go back to being emo, or admire my idol and try to be lively. :D

i dislike those ppl in my house.
:)
i might be able to survive if i return to the old self when living here.
hahaha.
cos that's when i don't need anyone to understand me.
ah, but up till now, i still don't need any of those living here to know me.
oh well, who cares about this.?
i will be the survivor.
and to be one, i must be hardworking. T.T
but i'm not.
wth.
i hate it when ppl say i'm alike with either of them.
makes me so disgusted.
i rather be different from them, no matter what i do.





i love monkeys.
:]
i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee lee jun ki.
:] :] :] :]

o. m. g.
not bad eh. the past few days. haha.
didnt do hw.

woke up at 8+ today, came back whampoa.
prepare. played badminton.
blah. i must be serious when i play.

prepare. went cineleisure to meet yh yc zy.
took mrt to bugis.
took the cake. walked to iluma.
celebrated nick and xz's birthday.
haha.

walked to Chijmes.
then walked to esplanade.
took bus back to bugis.
haha. cool.

I DON'T KNOW LA.
}:
what a retard.

o. m. g. LEE JUN KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.
he didnt like his image as well.
my gosh. like him so much laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
no idea why. haha.
this feeling i can cfm is LIKE.
haha.
can only admire him as an idol. }: }: }:
he. didn't. achieve. what. he. has. now. easily.
so i must pursue dreams like how he was, how he is. (if i have any. -.-)
he wished to die as an actor.
o. m. g. makes me admire him even more.
lol.
27 years old.
so jealous when lee hyori and him kept chatting and laughing. -.-
haha. k, kidding.

saw a cat outside my house today. -.-
then i got so emotional all so suddenly.
o. m. g. -.-

why don't i knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
the heart is mine.
the brain is mine.
but i don't know them.
oh, what crap.

omg. lee jun ki.
cool.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
k, i still like him.
ahahaha.

haven't been emo-ing seriously.
as in, havent been feeling really emo.
just that i'm not optimistic.
so i'm so called neutral now.
what crap. haha.

SHINee's new album is ... nice!
especially 'Romeo+Juliette' and 'Please,Don't go'.
Lee jun ki's album not bad too.
just that i dislike his new image, or style i mean.
he's alot alot alot better last time, and the difference between previous and this album is so big.

i feel so carefree now.
not even results are bothering me.
things that used to bother me, i'm trying not to care about them now.
haha.
the feeling is great.
but deep within, i am still aware that i'm a disappointment and if i continue having this 'don't care' attitude, my o lvl's results will be at stake.. -.-
oh and, when i don't cling on to the past, i feel so good now. hehheh.
hais. but eventually i will forget sth as well..
blah.~ so tough to understand. -.-

before i can defeat others, i have to defeat myself.
kill myself.
k, lame~

i have been eating non-stop..
wth.

omg.
i have 2 ulcers in my mouth..
because i bit the inside of my mouth unintentionally..
wth.
it's always like that.. -.-
hais.
one ucler at the bottom, near to the left; and the other on top, near to the right.
cool right.

my right hand is still aching after playing badminton that day.
besides, we played Wii today..
HAIS.

i'm not following my timetable..
-.-
i'll die like this.

that was loud man..
wth? was i angered or what, too embarassed?

weird. 'just continue lying' came from ....
hahaha. i have a very strong opinion towards this phrase after all.
when sth's done, it's hard to reverse to when it's not.
when you started lying, you will be lying continuously once you're determined to.

okay, crap.