“life will be better in spring”

April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011

aiyo... i feel so guilty now..

my fellow judokas and seniors so good la...
keep encouraging me.
i emo, they reply my posts;
i cannot run, they keep telling me to continue running and my senior talked to me about her past experiences.
i'm not fighting well in judo, seniors also say they used to be like that.
but now, dean knows of my emo side aldddd.!

i've disappointed myself for too many many many times, in many different ways..
why can't i just change my mindset?! why am i so lazy?!
after tues' judo, i kept questioning myself whether or not i want to get into A div.
felt like killing myself whenever i thought of that.
and for today's maths test, i had too many careless mistakes!
i even copied the wrong equation! if not for jl, my marks would have been lower.
PT after school, i'm still the slowest. still can't run 4 rounds continuously, can't complete my sets for lifting weights.
you stand there, see people doing better than you. it's disgraceful.
talking about disgrace, tues' randori sucks. kept getting thrown.
dunno what's wrong with me. if i wanna go a div, i should keep doing my best right?
sucks man.
then after PT, jl, cz, yz and i were studying at the grand stand.
now i wonder how much time i can waste because of the i-don't-feel-like-studying-mood.

tmr's judo has hand stand, cartwheels etc. and randori.
needa change my mood sia..
gimme back the i-want-revenge feeling please!!!

do i want to disgrace myself again?
do i wanna go for A Div?
do i wanna get promoted?
do i wanna lose?

damn it siaaaa!!!!

must psycho myself a little bit first:
they're just seniors.
just yellow/orange belts.
they've been learning for 1 year plus only.
no need to be scared. no need to give up the thought of winning even before you begin the fight.

TMR, i shall fight as well as i can.
firm and no being gentle anymore.

sighss, for the past few days, i haven't been able to sleep unless it's past 12am. T.T
this is horrible, especially when even 8 hours of sleep is not satisfying enough for me.

well anyway, i'll be having maths and chemistry tests this week.
i think i will just fail them. x.x
and i got a S grade for my maths tutorial.
i hate my teacher. she makes my maths lessons boring. but, i shall not lose interest in maths.
>< i'm still so lazy to do my tutorials!! blehhhh. i don't hate 'em, i just don't have the mood or motivation. sighs. there'll be a BLOOD DONATION drive this wednesday!!!! after rejecting the idea of ME donating my BLOOD, i suddenly gave in today. maybe i should give a try, even though i'm so very afraid of blood. people who knows me will understand why. why am i even afraid of my own blood? because i just am. today amirul talked a bit needles being VERY exaggeratingly long and that they will poke such LONG needles to take your blood. then, i added on saying, "then the needle pokes out from your shoulder right." i was disgusted by what i said man. felt like dying after imagining it. stupefaction.


learning to treasure life:
life don't suck, when you're doing what you like to do.
they always say treasure things around you before it's too late,
but it's not easy to understand this sentence fully,
unless you've experienced losing something/someone forever.
and they're important to you.

Life seems short when you're enjoying yourself.

eee. the feeling is back. just a little bit.
youknowwhenyourheartbeatsalittlelittlefasterandwhenitdoesn't.

STUDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
i can't seem to chiong. not even a little.
sighssss.

hey y'know what?
even if i'm out to throw everything (good memories, bad experiences, etc) behind me,
they will still be part of who i am;
even if i try not to remember,
i will never forget.


a bit of depression in me again.
this is minor. i still have loads of work to do, yet i just want to sleep.

today i keep 'shooting' someone in my class. and i told him i hate councillors in his face when he's currently campaigning for it.
zzz. maybe i should restrain myself a bit. stop being so rude.

today's Judo was quite nice.
i kinda like randori, though sometimes i'm being freaked out by it.
coach made the A Div team stand on one side and the rest of us sort out among ourselves to form another team so that both teams can fight.
i was the first to go!! only one pair of ppl spar, so i was quite scared and it seemed that the referree(another black belt) can see it from the way i looked.
then it was a lousy play, a lousy wazari.
during the fight, i realised the many many mistakes which i made, but my body doesn't act according to my mind.
i wanted to turn in and do throw, in the end i was afraid that i'll be too slow, then i gave up the thought of it. lousy. ):
sighs. after the randori, i'm sure seniors who thought they didn't fight well are feeling down and frustrated now.
i understand the feeling. T.T it must be worse for them because A Div is approaching soon.
jiayou, seniors!

what happened to me uh.
like became more daring or maybe some others may label me as 'rude'.

1: i went to school wearing orientation tee when i'm not supposed to (but of course i wasn't very sure that i can't do this)

2: think that weird maths teacher has a bad impression of me already cos i didn't do tutorial and i wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying. however, i seriously had no idea how to do the tutorial! if i can do ALL the questions, i won't have to attend tutorials anymore right?

3: was chewing gum during physics tutorial and i was sitting at the first row. i was hungry. the gum was my breakfast.

4: i couldn't stand it anymore when she said, "why didn't you persuade me to go to poly." that was it. i told her to shut up. then i became sarcastic. but then again, i thought i shouldn't be so bad, cos if it wasn't for her, i wouldn't have landed in NYJC and life's still kinda good now. therefore, i shouldn't be complaining so much.



i'm so tired today!!!!
gosh, PT made me even more tired.
i. must. be. more. disciplined. and. independent. and. do. as. much. as. i. can. during. PT. session.
cos. i. want. to. fight. well.

i slept for a few minutes during lecture today! that was because i couldn't sleep early last night when i actually wanted to. sighs.
ytd was ultimate sadness. but i know i'll experience more sadness next time.
thanks to so many people's concern and consolation that i feel better today.

it's hard:
the only way for me to feel better is always say everything out,
but that seems weak of me, cos i can't even handle my own problems.
so in the end, no matter what i do, i'll still feel weak.
sometimes i think i know where my problems lie in, sometimes i'm suspecting that i don't.
so confused. then i lose confidence. then i remain like this forever, never want to improve.
and, WANTING and DOING are so different.
i want, but i feel that i'm not doing my best.

today's Judo was fun! though i'm still dejected over the fact that i cannot do the techniques well.
like, just now the coach taught us chokes and all, yet i couldn't really choke my partner.
furthermore, i can't lock her arm till she feels pain.
damn it. seniors said i didn't clamp her hand with my legs.
i thought i did, didn't i? ):

and all thanks to DEAN!! now ka shing and leon knows about that weird rumour which was made up by himmmm.
MY SENIORS BULLIED ME. T.T
k just kidding. haha.

arghhh curse me. damn it!
went running today and after 2 rounds i felt GIDDY and felt like vomitting.
dunno wth happened man. but i felt super, horribly sick until i thought i would die. -.-
why am i so weak?!?! T.T
ahh anyway this is what happens when i push myself, that's why i never dared to do my best in running.
sighs. whatever. today i realised that it's too easy for me to be able to give up on myself.
and luckily i was with adeline,
hey thanks eh!

i'm going judo tmr?

am i supposed to give up drumming?

life must have been quite boring. -.-
sucks to be me.

here comes a i-want-a-bf-feeling again.
hahaa. aye this is crazy of me.

i hate people who expect YOU to listen to their reasons, while THEY don't bother letting YOU explain yourself.
and i've freaking began to detest explaining myself because those who TRUELY know you will understand what you want to say without YOU talking much,
however some of the others will NEVER EVER understand what you're thinking because they either DON'T CARE or they won't bother listening or believing in what you've got to say.

when people like this appear in my life, i lose all my patience and treat them the same way. it'll be obvious when it happen. and especially when i've decided not to remain as who i used to be,
i will not do things that put me in disadvantage anymore.

show me your attitude and i'll show you mine.

don't try to FML.

finish reading the articles on wikipedia about 3 different martial arts and absorb as much as possible.

as for my homework, tonight then say. -.-

-bend until it's like kneeling
-into defensive position asap, before getting thrown
-breaking balance successfully
-more strength in bridging
-SIDE STEP when opponent is in front, trying to do throw

watched Alice in the Wonderland with friends ytd at the grand cathay.
popcorns were awesome. ^^
there was a twist in the story, and it was dumb to expect the movie to be quite the same as old, animated one. -.-

the only disturbing and pissing off thing was that the ppl sitting behind us were super noisy and the guy behind kept kicking my chair.
IDIOT. are you a kid or what? so old already still can kick and kick.
fcuking ass. i TSK-ed twice and purposely slammed against my own chair and you still kick.
F YOU! i almost raised my hand and point middle finger while the movie was still showing.
stupid gay.

after that we had dinner at Marina Square's Hong Kong cafe, and we even went to food exibition.
guess what? four of us walked home from suntec. 'great!'

I'm listening to sad songs. meaning, i'm sad AGAIN.
i'm good at nothing.
awesome.

well, i guess i passed? right?
ehehehehehehhhhs. i did two techniques wrongly though.
but the grader was kind enough to tell me to do it slowly and think properly before doing. ^^

after the grading, some of us went to bishan J8 and bought takeaways to eat at the area near Haagen Daz. then we sat in circles and it was quite nice. i like judo gatherings. ((:
then just sit there and listen to ppl talk and laugh. hehhehs.

♥ 15/03/2010
'twas a long day but time flew and we did so many things but 'twas fun. ((((:

carried my heavy bags and judogi to 8am's Chemistry lesson which was supposed to be 1h long, and therefore i thought we wouldn't miss any of the judo's activitiy.
but, it ended at 9.30am and so junwen and i were late for judo despite mr wan's constant reminder of us being able to leave if we want to.
in the end, i wouldn't leave earlier because of his "If you think your cca is more important, you may leave" though no one complained of going off early. -.-
chemistry is sure a tough subject. sighsss.

when we reached the mpr, everyone was practicing already and they were panting and sweating. haha.
then we started doing some exercises. woah damn it, i need to build up my strength.
if i'm not recalling wrongly, we practiced for grading exam until lunch time?
sigh!~ after two hours, it was training again.
more of ground work this time.. and coach taught us a lot of new techniques.. too many for me to absorb all. sighsighsighssss. all i can remember now is just Ippon Seoi Nage+Osoto Gari, side-stepping, flipping and pinning, counter-attacking and some moves are due to or serve two purposes: reflex and trap.
trainnnnnnnnnn until he made us do 1h of physical training.
woahhh. 4 sets of 20 roman(?) push-ups, 20 sit-ups, 20 squats for the girls!! i didn't complete, that was why i felt kinda guilty when the coach was speaking before training of the day ended..
and my partner very suay also. cos her partner is me. haha.
dinner after training! by the time i sat down in the canteen, i was half-dead.
i almost dozed off before Dean said i look sian. sighss.
so we were all talking until a senior asked for volunteers to carry the ordered food to canteen.
i almost sprung up from my seat. lol. i must have been yearning for stuffs to do instead of sitting down there preparing for the speech and waiting.
then while walking to the side gate, Ka Shing and Dean knew about me wanting to run for exco..
sighs! that was why i couldn't back out during the time for J1 Speech. -.-
i was totally freaked out since i've hated public speaking for 17 years. damn it.
anyway, i made a stupid speech. it wasn't even a speech. a total embarrassment.
oh then there was this thing i picked up from Dean while we were talking( in the mpr i guess?)
i forgot why i was giving the -.- face and Dean went, "why give me that face?"
me: what. my eyes small la.
Dean: my eyes also very small.
me: i know. haahaa.
Dean: no. you should say, "no la. your eyes where got small."
hehheh, this kind of reply not bad right?

after the dumb dumb speech, Dean called me treasurer and it will be so awkward if i'm given the post.. but whatever, i had fun during the camp. ((:
(screw the SGC, thanks to you i have to worry so much. damn you.)
around 8.30pm, Night Walkkk!
not very exciting.. but i still got scared anyway.
the first time was at the hall's backstage when Jia Kiat wore that damn mask to scare my group mates who went INSIDE the backstage.
i was just standing outside and i got a scare. epic.
luckily no one saw it. ^^
then we were the 3rd group to finish the race. so the girls who already reached the mpr gathered and they were telling horror stories..
after listening to one of Mega's stories, i moved away and sat alone outside the mats. lol.
crazaye, that very one story from her was horrifying enough.
a while later, a few ppl sat around me cos they didn't want to listen to the horror stories too. hehe. the thing is, i got scared again. -.-
i was back facing the door and then suddenly those ppl pointed and looked at the door. hence i turned back and jumped from my original position to somewhere ~40cm away when i saw aloysius with that damn mask.
wl, so dumb of me. can't blame it anyway, reflexes' fault.

after this, we went for a bathe!
curse that auto-sensor in the toilets.
grace and i were bathing halfway and the lights went off. damn it damn it.
i almost scared myself again while bathing.
oh and ny's super dark when the canteen's lights are off.
right, so after washing up, fellow judokas who were in the mpr were asked to gather together and then they switched off the lights so that one of the teacher-in-charge could tell his ghost stories..
woah a lot of ppl got scared and their reactions were quite funny. hahaa.
Leon who was originally sitting on a chair even hopped onto Ka Shing's back cos he was just sitting in front of him. lol.
but after that when i realised Dean wasn't sitting behind me and Wei Qiang, i was like feeling something weird behind my back. -.-

after all those horror stories, those who wanted to sleep slept in the mpr while those who ordered Macs went out. heehee. ^^
and the way we ordered the food was like, we took a marker and scribbled all over the mirror in the mpr.
oh so the few of us went to sit on the steps at the parade square to wait for the delivery.
i dunno why but we all started talking more and more about horror stuffs.
maybe i imagined too much. x.x
Ka Shing described me as horrifying and Benjamin as disgusting; Benjamin was trying to change topics; we kept sharing ghost stories; the 4 seniors in front of me, Jia Chern, Ka Shing, Benjamin and Leon started hugging together; i went on describing to them what i imagined again.
am i really that horrifying?
i thought only I will be scared by my own imagination.
finally, at around 1am plus? the food cameee. ^^
then Dean and dunno who dipped fries into my sundae.
lol, i used to do that and stopped doing it after finding myself weird.
with this dipping-of-fries-into-sundae, they started discussing about things like mixing mayonaise with curry sauce and eating hashbrowns with maple syrup.
the first one is disgusting, but they say it's nice. as for the hashbrown with maple syrup, i eat that.
after eating, we continued talking about ghosts and the 4 guys hugged each other again.
and i think i said too much until Ka Shing doesn't believe that i'm afraid of horror stuffs.
then this time, Dean joined in as well.
heheheheheh after all these, i realised our fellow Judokas are quite afraid of ghosts and horror stories.
shortly later, we went back to mpr and i realised the guys are all sleeping in front of the mirror.. -.- that's kinda scary right?
the last thing i tod Ka Shing was, "Isn't it scary to sleep in front of the mirror?"
and his reaction was like those kind of STOP-TALKING-ABOUT-IT-ALREADY.
then i found myself a space to lie on, BUT there was this stupid dumb idiotic damn hole in the ceiling above. SO, i didn't dare to look UP or open my eyes when i'm facing the ceiling everytime i woke i the midnight..
sighsss. everytime i end up being the one who's being very afraid, ALONE.
as i said before, sleeping on the mats isn't something fun.

♥ 16/03/2010.
Time for randori.

4 sets of 1 rnd along the tracks, 20 push-ups and 20 crunches followed by 10 jumps, 3 sets of 11 inclined pull-ups AND 20/30 squats.
do until stomache muscles ache y'know?!
ran and ran, forced myself to run, stupid stitches kept coming, couldn't go down much for push-ups, and yeah, some ppl in Judo are very encouraging. haha.
BISUITS FOR BREAKFAST!!
ahh whatever man, no appetite.

went up to mpr and played a bit of games before the coach came.
today was freaking tired! couldn't absorb the things he taught at all..
sighssss! Randori time.
A lot of ppl got injured.. someone was suspected of having her collarbone fractured..
i hate these things. i'll get freaked out just by listening.
fought once with Daphne, her throw was SUPER SUPER painful;
matte.no one came, i fought with her twice. DAMN IT, got thrown AGAIN. SUPER PAINFUL.
got up, and the coach said, "if you don't want to get thrown, fight. nobody likes to get thrown, keep fighting." okay, fight. i know, but i dunno why i kept getting thrown;
matte. third round, i stayed on my spot and fought Daphne again. she gave in to me so i was like trying to attack while she only do counterattacks. saddening. but i fell on my back again;
got a bit of freaked out by the throwing, so i went out of the mats first;
"change", so i went in again and sparred with another senior. i dunno what technique she uses and most likely, she's giving in to me as well since she said i'm very light. yeah, so she reminded me about breaking her balance when doing osoto gari. next time i should put more weight in front and learn how to break balance;
"change" again, went to hui qi and sighsss, i got thrown everywhere. somemore she's injured. but the last technique she tried using didn't cause an Ippon.
i need more training! and it's so embarrassing to lose.
oh yeah, before randori, we had ground work.
then i couldn't even flip the senior over and when it was her turn to hold me down, i could only listen to what the other seniors were shouting: 'leg bridge' and 'scissors her leg'.
damn hard.. i should at least aim for a Toketa..

oh yeah, the coach told us about his past story as well..
last time when he learnt judo, he couldn't afford to buy a new judogi, so on his birthday, he bought took his money and bought an old-looking secondhand gi.
then he had to lengthen his sleeves by cutting and for one whole year he couldn't enter tournaments cos he didn't have his gi but he was yearning for fights.
but finally he became well-known and gosh, his story was very saddening..

games, and the rest of the trainings were all cancelled because there were too many injuries..
makes no sense for the teachers to cancel the trainings..
damn sad.

sighs. tmr will be the grading, and i can't throw. how?



Realisation 1: Fighting is just like studying. You need spirit and energy to spar. You need to analyse how your opponent fights. But when i'm saying this, i don't make myself sleep especially when there's a $30 grading exam tmr.

i want the yellow tip.

Realisation 2: Sometimes, you can talk to other ppl's eye candy(ies) but you just don't get a chance to talk to your's.
haha.

Realisation 3: I admire Budo Academy's ppl. ^^



Finally, I ♥ my coach, I ♥ NYJC Judokas, I ♥ the desire to fight.

whether i run/get selected for Exco,
i hope Judo camp will be very fun.

(:

I just want to practice.
Fight. Spar. Win.
I hate it, as long as i lose to others.

crazy sia. keep looking at j2 seniors. lol.

Skill, technique and timing, rather than the use of brute strength.


oh heck! couldn't believe that i actually cried in nyjc. in MPR. in Judo.
it was so damn embarrassing. and it is STILL very embarrassing.
the sudden lack of confidence was because i cannot do shoulder throws.
they'll be graded, and the foot steps for throwing is absolutely important.
i don't want to fail the first grading exam.

3rd Physical Training-
this year's J1s are so strong that i feel intimidated.
the seniors also made everyone do 30 push-ups because ppl STROLLED and didn't try their best to run, and i see myself as one of them.
imagine how upset i was? am still very emo.
anyway, felt guilty for the other judo members, and i'm sorry cos i think it was quite disrespectful of me to show a very 'buay song' face after the punishment.
was only thinking of how i didn't want to be weak and that was the only way for me to push myself further next time.
after all the running, we went for gym training.
bar without weights can be heavy enough.

hais... i'm placing judo in FIRST PLACE already man.
what to do!
judo>studies>drums.

woah two weeks no drums..
friday's lesson will be damn scary already.
haven't been practising!! ):

give me more time.
i'll train. at least build up on my physical strength.
i'm scared of throwing, but i won't give up.

cos i wanna fight.
i don't wanna lose.
i hate losing.

the higher you climb, the more things you have to lose.

for now, i don't really have much to lose,
but there're too many things to be gained.



screw that dumb maths test.
make me emo.

yesterday's sports carnival was much much better than the sports days/carnivals i had in the past!
probably due to the kind of events we had.
there were frisbee, touch rugby and dragonboat.
i participated in dragonboat and it was great.
then i had lunch at suntec with jialing, bayu and weiming.

went bbq-ing at night.
woah eat eat eat..
i wish to lose 2kg not gain 2kg. -.-

i just realised last night that i lost sth again.
thanks to the stupid old phone.
i must get it back. -.-

and oh-so-wowww, i didn't know aloysius chua was that cool.
cos last time i don't pay attention to sports news. haha.
of course our coach is as cool.
heehee.

i wanna go competitions... :C

got our judogis yesterday!!
i love it man. but i'm very scared that i cannot get yellow tip. x.x
the coach still came and asked whether i'm excited to get the gi or not.
OF COURSE mannnn. i was happy until i almost kept smiling to myself.
he has black belt with his name on it one, cool lorrrr!
yeah so we needed to do different kinds of break falls, and up till now i can only do one properly (i think), that's why i'm very afraid that i cannot pass the grading exam which is supposed to be on 17th march!!!
if i cannot pass, then i cannot fight.
what to do!!
but anw the seniors were quite good.
aloysius came out to help when jl and i didn't know how to do rolling breakfall during every turn.
i saw him talking halfway then suddenly stepped into the tatamis. and other seniors were like, trying to let JC1s stand in front so that we can see the coach's demonstration.
SPARRING WAS FUN.
i wanna improve a lot within a year, hopefully.
(: (: (:
i can only do osoto kari now.. T.T no shoulder throws for me.
too many problems: wrong footsteps/ slow movement, hip cannot go in, legs cannot squat/ bend, and cannot carry opponent up. -.-
damn it la.
anw i'm going to see a doctor for my back.
i hope there's nothing serious with it, maybe i just hurt my ribs.
if that's the case, then i'll force myself to forget about the pain.

i changed today's drums lesson for The One 2010!
so guilty la.. especially when i'm so noob at it..
i think i'm a total failure in drumming and judo.
TOTALLY NO TALENT.
yeah the show was great. the people around us were seriously funny.
first, there was this performer who wore a big, red cap or whatever it's called on her head, so the people in front called her SUPER MARIO. asshole sia. lol.
then they keep scolding those ppl behind us cos they screamed and shouted too loudly.
still got one indian guy playing with his iphone's light. he was like, "5,6, 7, 8, BLEH" and he shined the light on his face. dumb la. haha.
the most funny thing was that when the back row ppl used their phones as lightsticks and waved, the ppl in front of us (aloysius and his friends) were quite irritated already.
so all of them took out their Iphones and purposely faced the screens towards the back row ppl and waved their hands.
WTH!! THIS WAS DAMN EPIC OF THEM!! had a good laugh since they only stopped doing it after a while.
they're so cool. haahaa.

MATHS AND PHYSICS TESTS NEXT WEEK!
i'm sure i'll flunk 'em.

2nd PT -

epic failure.