I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone

Time changes everything, even you and I have changed

:]
♥

They told me to believe; that it's alright to ask; and to at least give it a try for anything.
I think they're awesome.

-That's me
bolditalicunderline~~strikeout~~

The rain, the winter spring has made us fade away

~~cbox.~~

I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone

~~links.~~

Layout: hasta mañana
Banners: reviviscent
Others: (1 | 2)

“life will be better in spring”

WHY?

Friday, April 30, 2010 || 8:37 AM

WHY AM I SUCH A EMO?
zzz.

anyway, i pon-ed econs lecture yesterday to sleep for half an hour..
hais. damn guilty ah.. ):
very disappointed with myself ever since school has started..

tsk.. school's getting boring cos of some complicated matters.
maybe i think too much. but, i'm really very sensitive towards such things..

just now...
me: Yessssss! Min Hwan is back! .... .... ... (all those praises for Min Hwan.)
lyw: go back to min hwan alr uh.
me: no.
lyw: still stuck to your metal ah.
me: (huh?) what metal?
lyw: your aloy.
hahahaaa.

sian i think i'm crazy alr la.. ):
cannot be so mad over aloy.. ): ):
must hide my feelings.

hahaa i think we've been talking to each everyday for a month already. ><
good or bad? i don't know.

when you reply late, i scold or nag at you;
but when you never text me at all, it seems that late replies are better than no replies.
when i wait and wait for your msg, it feels kinda terrible;
but when i received the msg from you, i thought it would have been better if you didn't text me.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.
TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG.
yeah okay, i know.. i'm just crazy.

even if everyone says it's true, it is still possible that it's not.
so, i believe that it's not- he doesn't.

sighs...

Wednesday, April 28, 2010 || 8:30 AM

YAY yz told me ALOY said that jl and i got the potential for judo, we just need to train speed. MY GOSH I LOVE ALOY TTM. hahaha.

goshhh judo outing on 3rd may. aloy suggested movie and dinner after sentosa. too bad for me!!!!! ><

yz: for your birthday gift i ask Aloy to wish you happy birthday and give you a hug okay?

HAHAHAHAHA!

that 'spread-er' go and tell cheryl about the two of us!

yz whispered to cheryl this:
we two lightbulbs still not bright enough, still need to switch on more lights uh.

>

i'm having multiple posts per day again.

Monday, April 26, 2010 || 8:51 AM

yeah yeah i can keep thinking of you,
but when i see you in school, i'm always startled and i don't know what to do.

|| 8:47 AM

i'm going to control my feelings well. [:
you're just like my other friends.

|| 8:45 AM

it's the best mood to listen to F.T Island's rock, but depressing love songs now.

this is crazy. T.T

|| 8:18 AM

sms.
sms.
sms.
sms.
sms.
i'm not gonna receive his sms tonight.
he's not gonna msg me after texting each other everyday for around 3 weeks already. ):

|| 7:18 AM

i was trying to avoid you. then now i'm waiting for your sms.
what the hell am i doing.

goshhh just now coach held my feet for quite long cos he thought i hit my feet onto the floor. ><
how nice of him. too bad he's married. hahaha.

today is a sucky day.
everything went badly. ):
will your sms make me feel better or will it make me feel worse?

Sunday, April 25, 2010 || 10:22 AM

i thought tonight will end with another sigh.
but now i guess not.
i'm going to sleep with the tears.
why am i even crying? i could have resisted.

i really, seriously, don't know why i just cried.
how foolish. and silly (yeah this word, it reminds me that you always use it on me. i AM silly. and dumb.)
i think too much.

i don't know?

|| 8:16 AM

you don't like me right?
what am i to you?
friend?
anyway, i don't know you much.

what am i doing siaaaa!?!?
stop acting emo la.

not anymore.

Saturday, April 24, 2010 || 2:20 AM

i see my friends around me getting affected because of their past relationships and love.
each of them seem so heartbroken. and what about me here? i feel emo even when nothing has happened to me at all.

things are getting so annoying for me that i wanted to sleep for as long as i can because the world makes me feel tired and it's always the best way to avoid and not think about those vexing things.

but well you know what?
even when i'm alseep, i dreamt of you.

this is disgusting.
i know the feeling will be over soon, i just need a few months' time.
[':

substitutes.

|| 1:22 AM

"The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you cant have them."
a post on facebook.

ughhhh the bg world is so complicated that after attending the film fest with 'em, i promise not to have anything more to do with them. i'm also so disappointed in myself that i asked cos i know and you know i can go find someone else, worst of all the reason to why i asked was because iwannagowithhim. this is so wth. last night shall be the first and last time d send me home, and i'm sry that n who was supposed to send wl home had to alight at the bus stop with him cos the two of could have jolly well continue taking 139 to boon keng.

i'm tired of these 'ppl-ppl' problems and issues so i rather stop everything now. everything. so it also means that even if i like him, now i will and can only like him just like how the other girls do. oh no, they eye-candy him, not as desperate as me. besides, everytime i have to constantly remind myself that i'm just your usual friend whenever we stand so damn close together. i know i could have stepped away but i didn't want to. and this is just another disppointment for myself.
so now i just hope everything's back to the original starting point where i don't know bg, i don't talk to bg ppl, i don't know anyone. and the point where i only like someone from far because you don't know me and i don't know you. we don't talk to each other. simply said, it's just like how i used to EC mustaffa.

in this way perhaps things may be easier for me too cos i don't have to keep worrying that one day you'll tell me you like someone else.

i don't know what to name this post as.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010 || 6:18 AM

last night, i realised you were lying. according to my own analysis, the words you said really seem like lies. and the more i talk to you, the more i think you don't care about me.

i still insist that i don't like you.
but what if one day you tell me you like someone else?

aiya, nvm. ALOY made my day again!!
hehhehheh. ^^
he waved to meeeee~

stop joking please?

Monday, April 19, 2010 || 7:32 AM

me: o.o haha oh yeah hope you all can win uh. good luck. ^^
dean: haa i need more than luck hahaa
me: tskkkk. what else do you need sia.
dean: haa hug from yuqi(: jkjk lolol.

i hate you dean. don't keep joking like this.

how?

|| 7:18 AM

i don't know who/what i am to you.

rainy days.

|| 6:14 AM

i know i ought to stop thinking so much. but i guess i can't, at least for now. don't look at me during judo please. i saw it but i didn't dare to look back. guilty. after a few times i finally made myself face you and not look or turn away. why give me that kind of smile again. i don't know how to react. you suddenly sent me a msg and said sorry because you slept straight after you bathed last night. but when you sent that msg it was already past 1pm. i know my msg to you last night was only an 'Okays(:' and there is nothing to reply to that already. but why did you send me another msg in school. i know i'm emo-ing because i've been listening to sad songs recently. because of you i've been emo-ing every night. today i realised that i'm getting a little depressed too during the day. what to do. i didn't think all these would happen. i know you don't like me.(: i know you don't. one day i won't know how to face you anymore.

)': maybe. i. really. do. like. him.

well, at least aloysius(: (: (: makes me feel high and mustaffa was kinda funny today during judo.

how?

Sunday, April 18, 2010 || 9:02 AM

will you know that everything's starting to go crazy for me?
of course you wouldn't.

know what? this is double craziness cos i've just posted something crazy on this blog of mine.

jealousy?uneasiness?denial? COMPLICATIONS.

|| 6:03 AM

stayed in school to slack/do work until 7pm+ before meeting adeline at udders.
ate two scoops of awesome ice-cream on a waffle cone. (:
just the ice-cream being awesome isn't enough, cos you should eat it with awesome ppl too. ^^

sighsss hope she's feeling fine luh..
it's hard to accept all those things that are important yet make you unhappy, especially after you've put in efforts.
actually she's not that bad? from the way i see how helpful she is?
sighs the world is complicated.
people are complicated.
life is complicated.

i'm really really really very afraid of being retained and performing badly for A level..
and i want to enter A Div too. ):

after slacking for the whole afternoon yesterday, went tuh meet dean at library's mac.
i told him not to be late, but i was. {:
the whole mac was occupied, majority- guys.
they were there to watch soccer. -.-
imagine you, almost the only girl in a mac, trying to do maths and all of a sudden people will scold this scold that, or even start cheering just because some manchester united team scored a goal.
made me feel kinda out of place. haha.
well anyway, i concluded that dean is smart. sighs, I AM JEALOUS.
studied till around 10pm and we left mac. zzzhewantedtosendmehomebuthedidn'tsonowheowesmeone.
kays i realised it wasn't really very awkward or weird to be with him and, though there was this 'awkwardness' (which disappeared after a short while) when i first sat down in front of him and when we were walking tgt as if we're some very close, good friends.
don't tell me this is called "being comfortable with someone".
to be truthful i used to feel weird/awkward/a little bit of uncomfortable although i was only with a friend, who was supposed to be considered as my good friend somemore.
zzz. maybe things are really going different this time. i don't know.

how can i even get emo every night just because my phone didn't receive his sms how can i keep telling him weird things that have meanings behind them how can i get jealous or pissed off so easily why am i even waiting for those smses i tried to control but how it's not very easy why don't i even feel ridiculous when i see those random smses why do i want to hear him praise me how is it possible that i know he's irritating but i still reply him and now i am still waiting for his reply this is so horrible ridiculous and weird.

can comprehend the above paragraph of words without punctuations? haa.

i have faith in myself though. (:
came tuh NY believing that i won't fall in love with anyone until maybe years later and even if i really like someone, the feeling won't last for more than a year. (: (:
yeaps that's it.
i. don't. like. him.

actually, why do i even bother typing so much about him?

A DIV 2010 NYJC JUDO IPPON!

Thursday, April 15, 2010 || 7:06 AM

SEEEEE my aloysius soooo cute.

hahahaaa. k luh he may not have the looks but his behaviour is damnnnnnn cute!

his brother also looks cute. really is LOOKS cute. haha.

love him, hate him.

|| 6:45 AM

lazy to blog the stuffs that happened in the past two days..
so i'll justsay these:

ALOYSIUS CHUA JUN XIAN IS THE BEST EHHH.
I WILL JUST ADMIT HERE THAT HE'S MY IDOL.
HEHHEHHEH.
on tues, after his 5seconds IPPON match against CJC, he smiled at us!!!
damn cute luhhh he. ><
really really hope he can win his individual please. ):
then yesterday HE OWNSELF WAVED to us when we were at the atrium!!!!!
(though i don't know whether is ppl ask him to be more friendly to us one or what.)
BUT STILL..
OMGGGGGG LOVE HIM TO THE MAX EH. so cute luhhhh!!!! >lol i think i'm going mad alreadyyyy.
crazy fan-girl.
aloysius is the best!!!
i even dreamt of him last night y'know. ><
then i didn't get to see him today. not at all. ):

he's better than HIM. MUCH MORE BETTER.

even KA SHING is cool. he continued fighting and got an IPPON when he was injured by his opponent.
MUSTAFFA fought until very handsome too. hahaa.
BENJAMIN too, our JUDO CAPTAIN. (: (: (:
ALOYSIUS' STILL MY ONLY IDOL LUHHH. :D

no uchimata. never talk. never sms. only walked past once, and said a few sentences to each other only.

scared. again.

Monday, April 12, 2010 || 6:47 AM

today was a retarded day uh, mood wasn' that good..
especially when ppl keep do stuffs that irritates me. i almost wanted a fight during judo. zzz.
OHHHH the good thing that happened today was that, I PASSED 2.4 SURPRISING!!! :D
perhaps it was because i didn't want to fail in front of that dean. ):
i passed by 5 seconds only. [:
this year, i will get my first silver for NAPFA!! so happyyyyyy. :D

tmr will be A div for team event!
really hope that our team can win, at least a 2nd place.
like that coach will have 'more face', and ppl in our team will be happy over the victory. ><
hehe and i wish i won't miss any match tmr.. but it's impssible..
whatever, they got win can le. (:

ughhhh!
the first time i told him, "i dslike you," he said, "but i like you leh."
last night when i was pissed off again, i told him, "I hate you." but he replied, "): i love you leh. lolol."
gosh please stop joking with me already. ):
and pleaseeee, stop using phrases like 'you silly' when talking to me. ):
stop fooling around luh laaaa.. T.T
don't tell me such things if you don't like me.

I am sorry.

Sunday, April 11, 2010 || 9:18 AM

i just scolded him AGAIN, am just throwing tantrums.
maybe i too petty already uh.

and i'm making zhengyi to help me do my stuffs..
sorry..
was also talking a lot with him just now.
i think i'm quite troublesome.

)':

how weird, but who cares?

Saturday, April 10, 2010 || 7:08 PM

i passed Napfa's 5 stations! A's for two stations and D's for another two. the other one, i didn't bother to check after knowing that i passed. hehs.

after Napfa jialing and i went to buy bubble tea at KOI cafe and then we met with yanlin they all at subway. love such lunch. ehehehe.
i've been yearning for KOI's bubble tea for weeks and months already. ><
then jialing and i went to library to study for awhile until she goes off at 1plus.
and sooo, i went to yizhen's house to do some work again. few hours later, zhengyi joined us too.
i've been mixing around with yizhen soooo much, and maybe too much? sighs.
at night, the two of them accompanied me for dinner. ><
and they kept sharing 'secrets'!!! ):
ostracize me.. yizhen, zhengyi, darryl.. all ostracize me.. T.T
sighs.
'you already have the ticket', 'you already have the key', 'the door is already opened' .
these were what zhengyi said. i know what they meant, i know what they were saying.
but still.. i wanna know whyyyyy they said that. ):

was smsing dean last night and out of nowhere, he's my brother now. haha.
it's weird, but it doesn't hurt or pays anything right?
this is good.
we're more than friends/senior-junior, but less than couples.
ehehhehheh.

eeyeerrrrr.

Friday, April 9, 2010 || 8:26 AM

i wannaaa sleeeeeep!
today 1021 went to serangoon's mac to eat and i slept during econs lecture..
my gosh everyone knew i was sleepingggggg!
so embarrassing again! why i so retarded and unglam in school one!

sawwwww aloysiussssss todayyyyy!
k i'm so excited whenever i see my idol!
still purposely went to atrium to study cos i saw him and his friends there. ><
seriously, if this blog is disclosed, i'll be soooooo deaddd. lol.
but anw more and more ppl know my secret alr. >
aiyoooo now it's like all my posts have dean's nameeee.
i don't know why i'm throwing tantrums and expecting that much from him, although he's just my senior. >< sighsss.
gosh la even yanlin also asked me about him. lol.
nothing shall happen. and nothing will. (:

sighhhhs!

Thursday, April 8, 2010 || 8:06 AM

ughhhh i really hope everything goes well in NY. ):
i want the fun, without sacrifices.
yeah i'm greedy.
and the SGC thing is making me feel so troubled cos i think i won't get into exco in judo. ))):
today, i didn't expect myself to score that kind of results for maths.
but it wasn't a good score cos if jialing hasn't spotted my careless mistakes, i would have gotten lower marks.

sighhhs i think i did a lot of retarded things today, especially during judo.
now i feel quite embarrassed about it. ):
aiyaaa whatever, i don't care about my image in judo. hahaa.
we learnt counter attacks and did ground work today! funfunfun. (:

and i kinda, wanna design BOYS' GENERATION's hoodies!
imagine if their manager really use my design.... WOOH like damn shiok uh!!
ahahhaa. k la i'm just fantasizing.
and it would be even cooler if judo's tee design is done by meeee. ><
kk i shall stop fantasizing. hehe.
anw yizhen's going to get the BG guys to go for Vivalamusic's audition, hope they get in uh so i can watch them perform on stage. hehhehs.
and the NY judo team! hope they can get into finals! then i can go watch them fight again. (: (: (:

woah i almost quarreled with dean eh..
sighs. in the end he won lo, zzz i feel like some retard sia. ):

had dinner with adeline just now though she didn't eat anything. hope next time we all will have more time to talkkkkk~

goshhhhhh i'm so slack eh! ):

haiyoo why me and my malaysia's grandparents not shou one..

SCHOOL.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010 || 6:41 AM

AHH! got back chem test's results ytd. 13/30!! sighsss. too slack already la. ><
and i failed NAPFA 2.4km run for the first time in NY. how pathetic, though i was quite elated with the improvement of about 3 mins faster?
sighhhhs! curse my damned right leg.

we played games during ytd's judo and had randori. lousy fight la! wl.
oh then i hurt my knee slightly when the coach made us do cartwheels..
sighhs. stupid right knee. why so weak!
then again, it's the 'mental' thing, if i think it doesn't hurt then it's a minor injury or maybe not even an injury, if i keep thinking that it hurts then i'll keep worrying about it.

this morning judokas went to help biz club ppl with the balloons and i got so screwed up. :\
hate balloons now. they're so irritating. -.-
cos of the balloons i had to stand in the sun and among the J2s for sooooo long.
luckily i know zhengyi and his class was somewhere near, otherwise i would have felt so damn awkward trying to distribute the balloons to 0930, a class that i cannot find.

and sooooo fortunately today's classes end early!! (:
but i feel guilty for not gyming and running as i promised so. ):
instead of training myself, i went with yizhen and daryl to have lunch at Popeye's.
i can only say that yizhen knows sooooo many ppl. hahaa.
today then i know daryl is quite funny uh. a bit gl also.
so yizhen was like: why beatty produce such different ppl uh? lol.
but then!! most of the times i CANNOT understand what they were saying. perhaps there's a generation gap. ><
the most gl thing that daryl did was, trying to bump into ppl and block their ways while acting that he was texting. he did that all the way from the coffee bean there till subway there.. epic huh? hahaa.
after eating i went to yizhen's house to do hw but ended up wasting most of my time watching drama. ):

MY GP HOW?!
ECONS HOW?!
MATHS HOW?!
CHEM HOW?!
PHYSICS HOW?!
PW HOW?!
JUDO HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??!?!??!?!
): ): ):

i dunno why i'm throwing temper siaaa cos i almost wanted to be pissed at dean until tmr.
but in the end, i didn't.
tskkk.

i go crazy because of you.

Monday, April 5, 2010 || 6:51 AM

omg i did one of the most desperate stuffs i've ever done before yesterday.
because i couldn't use the internet at home all of a sudden, i rushed out to find yizhen and her friends at amk macs as i needed to do my PI.
then after doing some research, and writing a few paragraphs, i realised the PI is too generic.
right after studying, we went to have dinner at KFC before going to find dean at bishan to study.
on our way to bishan, so coincidently we saw dean on bus 88. so awkwaaaaard!
so then we studied at MOS and dean, yizhen both read through my PI. we even asked help from zheng yi la. gosh my one PI and i had to ask around for help. retarded la. in the end, i still think my PI sucks..
at 9pm+ i realised i still couldn't finish the PI, so i decided to stay over at yizhen's house.
hais she helped a lot uh, ended up both of us slept at 1.30am+.

then this morning we went to school early like we reached at 7.30am?
then then then!!
she went to talk to Aloysius and i was just sitting beside him y'know!?!?
and it was like so close laaaa!! (for me it is, cos we not shou with each other.)
after a while i realised my heart was racing and it was like so hard to look at him and speak properly y'know?!?!?!?!?
omg like cannot breath properly like thaaaaaaaat!!!!
then luckily he sat a bit further away when he and yizhen were talking. phewww.
hahaa. crazy alr la, admire ppl also can admire until like that.

i don't wanna sms dean liao la. :\
and i just realised today that, it was the very first time when someone told me to stop avoiding certain matters?
sighs..
oh i just rmbed something..
dean's handwriting is like damn cute can.
font size is like almost 0.5cm only and it slanted. so damn hard to read!
ppl's eyes small what. hahaa. ><

happy?

Saturday, April 3, 2010 || 8:21 AM

had fabulous dinner today.
however it would have been a better day if i had found a pair of sports shoes which can attract my attention.

yeah i know i've been avoiding a lot of stuffs.
i know. i'm aware of it. i also know i haven't been trying.
and though i dislike hearing what dean said, i know it's the truth.

Friday, April 2, 2010 || 9:40 AM

whyyyyyyyy.
yizhen just told me sth again.
even jiachern also so direct, he told her that they will talk about pretty girls.
tsktsktsk!!
so, be pretty so that you can get near to seniors?
lol. TSKTSKTSK!!!

april fool's day.

|| 8:30 AM

went to school early ytd to meet yizhen and jialing.
THEN in the EARLY morning, dean gave me a marshmallow and inside. there. was. wa-sa-bi.
so now, i've developed a phobia towards marshmallows already, thanks to dean uh.
i scolded him for the whole day cos i could rmd that scary taste until last night.
sighsss! that was my April Fools' day. ><

randori randori randori during judooo.
this time, at least i tried to defend. (:

afterwards, judokas went to bishan to have dinner!
leon and ka shing were so funny. they completed their dance cos they were forfeited once againnnn. such a good role model for the juniors. hahahaa.

today woke up early to meet jialing, amirul and jialing to go for running and gyming.
wooo. did quite a lot eh. now my legs like not part of me alr. haha.
so for this week, i'm quite proud that i completed a total of 22 rounds around the innermost track. didn't run ALL 22 rounds, but i kinda completed it. (:
gotta give the credit to my motivators. haa.

so after all the gyming, we went to vivo, lunch at kfc and then studied.
i didn't really do anything. and i shall try designing for this year's judo tee.
after bearing all the heat (cos we studied at the open space), went to have ben and jerry's.
nice nice. but i still prefer Udders' Vanilla Beanz. hehhehhehs.
went to walk around vivo before going home. ~

am talking to yizhen on msn now and she was talking to leon, and she told me leon said this:
"lol we will know the better lookign ones ma like duh"

wow he's like so straightforward mannn. tsktsktsk.
why like thaaaat. ><

anw seniors will soon be focusing on A levels after A div.
no more seniors during judo practices. ):