“life will be better in spring”

April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011

forgot to mention- Economics paper, 28/55 marks gone.

i don't want low grades. and seriously, i don't wanna lose too badly as well. sighs.

motivationnnnnn. only 55% of it is back. not enough for me sia.

i love world cup. Kaka. Torres. and Ronaldo. oh-g-g.

trying to not forget, but having to not think of them at all.

next week gg uh... sighs. i wanna watch kaka play. ): at most i don't watch portugal and argentina's matches luh.... ): hope brazil doesn't have midnight's match next week. ):

i'm gonna be destroyed by World Cup. my mid year exam sure gg alr. ):

tonight still got 2.30am's Greece vs Argentina. ):
3 midnight's matches in a row. i can don't sleep just to watch socccer, but i must at least finish studying something. sighs.

i wonder why Brazil didn't appeal about Kaka's send off when they were so angry with it. i don't wanna miss any matches that has Kaka playing in it cos of exams. ):
am currently a Kaka supporter. ^^
Higuain too, but not so much. Kaka, Higuain and C.R all from Real Madridddddd. ._.
sighs. a person like me. is watching. soccer. and. is damn excited about it.
never knew i can be interested in soccer. (Y)

"i miss you but i don't know how to let you know it. so now you're far far away from me."
isn't it similar to: i like you but i don't wanna let you know, so now you're far far away from me?
...
sighs.

life's still quite empty. except for world cup and sports.

woke up early in the morning and went to jy's house to do physics. wth, physics isn't physics when he teaches it. (Y) he damn funny also luh. i won't really bother about physics this much if it wasn't for him.

went to TTSH and i feel like i'm some retard. zzz. i'm wasting so much money thanks to the injury.. sighs.
met adeline and ate at Udders. ^^ today's Bailey's was great cos it wasn't too bitter. now i feel like eating snickers mars and blah blah blah. or haagen daz's caramel biscuit and cream also can. i don't mind horlicks mcflurry too.
see? i'm crazy.

AAWWWWWW i'm not rooting for Argentina (cos of Higuain) and Brazil (cos of Kaka!!!!). OMGGGGG!!!! maybe tonight england's match i'll see someone good-looking again. I must watch monday's Brazil match!!!!! Kaka!!

someone posted this on Facebook:
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it's yours. If it doesn't, it never really was in the first place.

true? sighs. it's a habit to not delete your smses even if all the others' were deleted. i don't like the fact that you disappeared suddenly, again. maybe i assumed too much and expected too much. there's sth i never mentioned before. that time when i texted you during your birthday, i actually felt relieved that we're smsing again. but the next day, everything stopped again. stopped until now. awesome.

i can't believe what i'm doing. 2 months eh. but it should be over soon huh, or maybe it must.

finally got to eat Magnum GOLD yesterday. it's really in gold colour, quite cool but the vanilla beans were replaced by caramel swirls. }: anyway, i want to eat nyonya rice dumplings, badly. hais.

watched Human Weapon just now and the chokes and joint locks were quite amazing, yet complicated. sighs. the Kill Arman show also not bad. :

i've decided to delete the messages one by one each day, until the day when i can just delete all at one go. sighs. don't know what the heck i am doing.

i'm supposed to be watch Italy Vs Paraguay and reading econs textbook now. zzz.

each day gets harder and harder to pass.
the weird feeling is still stuck with me. ): there's no motivation to do anything at all. the only thing that distracts me is Judo.

yoooo had dinner with cousin and relatives ytd. hais my cousin and his gf uhhhh. ): cannot be envious, it's a sin. ;
last night when i couldn't sleep at 2.30, i almost went out to living room to watch england vs usa, with my popcorns. but i had to wake up early today so i was determined to continue trying to get to sleep. -.-

hais walked to tpy stadium. ran 1 lap, walked another lap + 30 sit-ups + lunges. woahhh totally lousy ttm!! went to bishan to meet yl and we studied there after having subway.
sighs i think from before i started doing work i've been thinking of him already. what's wrong with TODAY?! suddenly feel so damn empty. it's not INCOMPLETE, it's EMPTY. i feel like i'm just sleep-walking around.

the elbow just ache more day by day.

sighs bth headache.
if it isn't about emptiness, then it's about dejection.

yesssss gymed ytd and ran 6 laps on treadmill. didn't sweat much, didn't train much. but at least right arm aches a little bit i press or stretch it. ^^ hais left elbow must recover fastttttt. and there's a Judo BBQ next sunday. even seniors' seniors are invited. o.o

going out later. i will surely eat a lot. i'm dead. x(

3 weeks have passed already eh. haha.

it freaking hurts. everytime my arm hurts, the heart freaking aches too. it really does.

i feel crushed now. all i did was break my arm and it's taking away two competitions from me. seriously going through depression now. there was this email sent to judokas. Singapore Judo Federation has invited a lot of people, including those winners of A division and age group competition, to take part in the athlete selection program that will be held on this saturday. not that i will be selected, but i don't even get the chance to play in the only 2 competitions for this year. all these are crushing me.

i slept and slept and slept for lots of hours i guess. can't be bothered to count.
had the most ridiculous dream-of-the-week. or maybe it could be month.
dreamt of you, dreamt of how i was thinking of you, and dreamt of how sad i was because of you.
wth?

WATCHED PRINCE OF PERSIA TODAY AND IT WAS AMAZING + AWESOME + THRILLING + ENTERTAINING + SADNESS. ):
it was really nice but i almost cried again. its really pointless for the two of them to be together when the princess of alamut has forgotten everything right? hais, very sad luh.

during today's judo training, i realised coach is getting fiercer. and, my eyecandy was in judo, my idol was in judo, my ex-crush was in judo. lololol.

celebrated nick and xz's birthday at NYNY. fabuloussss. walked to esplanade and the chats and all were fun luh. vincent and kelvin are seriously jokers, plus stalkers plus gossipers. super funny onlyyy. yc likes someone alr huh, all the things she said sound so familiar uh. ):
then suddenly, i miss the judo trainings, trainings when he was around.
some memories just came back suddenly. :\ luckily it's only those 'judo training' memories. luckily we aren't in same class. luckily it's holidays now. luckily, i'm fickle-minded! {:

MMA! Mixed Martial Arts. it's hard for me though.. ):
Judo + ...
aikido. wushu. wing chun. silat. wrestling. sambo. ju-jutsu. jiu-jitsu. karate. ninjado or ninjutsu. taekwondo. kickboxing. hapkido. muay thai.
(guess these are the more commonly known ones in singapore. the list of martial arts is damn longggg.)
isn't it cool to do MMA?!

i dunno what happened to my elbow but it's starting to ache. the feeling is back again. i can't control my injured arm properly.

i seriously dunno what i'm holding on to. what will my reaction be if i did see him in school today? i'm not sure what i'm thinking of anymore. it's either i'm just trying to conceal the feelings by being 'happy' or i really don't miss him already. ):

scared.

it's all in the past. you won't talk to him anymore and neither will he talk to you. so why keep thinking of what has happened before? just stop it nowwwww. nothing will change even if you keep thinking and hoping for it.

YOOOOOOO went for judo training at BPS feeling hot and having some runny nose. sat there felt like dying, there was this urge to just join them in throwing people. couldn't even bother about my damn homework or exam while i sat there, couldn't focus at all, kept looking at how they train.

went to TTSH for my first therapy! lalala no need to wear brace anymore. hahaha. but i don't like the therapy.. a bit scary. hais.. lazy to type out the things he said.

on the way to TTSH and on the way home, i saw NY ppl who are related to him. ):
today, i suddenly feel that i still wish you'll talk to me.
i really thought i'm starting to put things behind.. i didn't keep thinking of you, but i didn't stop doing that for more than an hour.
sighs, i must stop all these.

judo tote bag from some random websites or adidas judo bag which is the same as his? ):

bought two pieces of clothings from ZARA today.
i needa exercise and study soon. hais.

i don't know why i can still think of him. maybe i just need three more weeks.

i miss you and maybe, you.

OMG I AM EATING SO MUCH AND EXERCISING SO LITTLE THAT I HAVE GAINED SO MUCH WEIGHT AND PERHAPS I WILL CONTINUE GAINING WEIGHT. I DON'T WANT. 0.6KG MORE AND I CAN GO TO LIGHTWEIGHT CATEGORY ALREADY. OMG I DON'T WANT!!! ): ): ): OMG PLEASE STOP EATING. OMG. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. ):

i'm not going for tmr's judo training. ):

seriously i'm going to forget everything i am not going to remember anything at all this time. the next time i see you i will make sure that i face you and not look away and i will try to say hi in a very happy manner. if not i will at least give a smile.
i am so sorry that i like(d) you.

you know actually i find my coach damnnnnnnn cool? he is so so so so so so very cool that his behaviour and all makes him look good and then when i sat aside to watch them train the other day i realised coach's moves are firm sharp and fast. he is really damnnnn man you know. ^^
my idol. ^^

I should have done that
I should have ignored it
like something i couldn't see
I shouldn't have looked at you at all
I should have run away
I should have acted like i didn't hear it
like something I couldn't hear.
I shouldn't have listened to love at all

Without a word , you let me know love
Without a word, you give me love
You made me even hold your breath but you ran away like this
Without a word, love leaves me
Without a word, love tossed me away
what should I say next?
my closed lips were surprised on their own
coming without any words

Why does it hurts so much?
Why does it hurts continuously ?
Except for the fact that i can't see you anymore
And that you are not here anymore
Otherwise, it's the same as before.

Without a word , you let me know love
Without a word, you give me love
You made me even hold of your breath but you ran away like this
Without a word, love leaves me
Without a word, love tossed me away
What should I say next?
My closed lips were surprised on their own
Without a word, tears fall
Without a word, my heart breaks down.

Without a word, i waited for love
Without a word, love hurts me
I zoned out. I become a fool because I cry looking at the sky
Without a word, firewell finds me
Without a word, the end comes to me
I think my heart was surprised to send you away without any preperations
It came without a word.

Without a word, it comes and leaves
Like the fever before
Maybe all I need to do is endure the hurt for a while
Because in the end, only scars are left.



went to BPS and watched them train today. bored ttm. but the training looks tough. i always feel so useless sitting down there. zzz. it's like i'm there but i'm not there. drank koi today. realised i'm weighing 51.4kg now. epic. i'm dead.

today's episode of You're Beautiful is so saddening. ):

you know sometimes there'll be this situation when you just don't feel like talking to people cos you're feeling low and then people just keep talking to you? it's okay if they understand you or share some common opinions. but when they don't, it really feels very very annoying. yeah i know i should appreciate them, but sometimes i really just want to be left alone. so in the end, people think i'm throwing tantrum, giving attitude. zzz what crap.

Day 10.
i can't do anything else other than trying to stop thinking about him right.

watched The Last Song with yl at cineleisure this morning. as expected, the movie wasn't as good as the book and it missed out a lot of details. but i still cried like hell. eew. -.- anyway, the feeling of pushing someone away sucks, doesn't it?
ate pepper lunch for lunch. (; went back to school, ran three rounds, did a bit of statics. now i feel that i should really take good care of my arm. sorry, please recover fast.
there'll be judo training tmr at bps. (: hope to see something interesting. i like watching them train though seniors have stepped down already. ><
by the way, i've heard that a judoka was paralysed.. ): this is scary, and miserable. but it's not impossible for me to give judo up so easily. now i love martial arts, but i don't seem very talented and physically fit for them. T.T

Day Nine. thinking lesser, much lesser already.
now i really feel like i can get over him. but i don't wanna like anyone else anymore.
though it's still possible that i'll like him again months later. hahaah whateverrrrrr.